Monday, March 14, 2011

The dirty thirty

Well, I am back, older, wiser perhaps?
Who knows?...but either way I am 30.

I have to say, it feels a little strange. I remember that when I was in college, 30 sounded old. But I don't really feel old.

I am pretty excited about starting a new year of life. I am currently in a self-reflective mood and am hoping to better myself in many ways.

This started on my trip to Vermont. I had a great time and as always my husband and I laughed, sighed, yelled at  and smiled about the insanity that is traveling with two small children. But aside from the difficulties that are posed when taking a 5 hour car trip with a tantruming 2 year old and a baby who doesn't care for facing the back of the car with no stimulation for hours at a time, I was able to have a few moments of clarity and I even reached some level of inner peace.

Here's how:

One thing I am hoping to do differently in the thirties is to stop letting my fears get in the way. I have always been afraid to fail, and because of this I do a lot of sitting out.

For example, at the inn we were staying at there was a GIANT sledding hill. Deep down I really wanted to sled, but I was pretty sure it would be a huge pain in the butt, i.e. getting all bundled up, climbing a very difficult hill in 3 feet of snow, breaking my leg on the way down, finding a time where my daughter wasn't using me as a human feeding machine. So instead of saying what I wanted to say, which was "I really want to sled, let's make it happen." I let the husband take our toddler while I stayed inside with the baby. I took the easy, fearless way out.

That night, after the baby was sleeping, I sat there reflecting on what I wanted in my next 30 years. I realized that the sledding example was part of what I needed to change. I am sick of sitting out just because it is easier that way. So, I decided it needed to change right then and there.

I told my husband I was going out for a walk. I went outside. I found a plastic sled. I hiked my fat butt up that giant hill. I almost died. I felt my lunges burning. I pulled myself through the snow. I set up my sled. AND I flew down that damn hill laughing at myself all the way down.

It was so much fun that I did it again. This time I totally white washed myself half way down. I spent 3 minutes laughing at myself and then I continued down the rest of the way.

It was dark. I was alone. It was cold. I was a little bit scared, but flying down that hill was freeing.

So that was my kick off to my 30's. I will not sit out of life. If I want something, I will not let fear of failure or humiliation hold me back

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